2004-09-17 - 3:19 p.m.
"Who's coming over? Do I need to make myself pretty?"
It's disturbing that I should even ask such questions. Is that who I want to be - the girl who's so concerned with appearances that she'll forgo studying for five minutes to impress whoever's stopping by?
When I was younger, I swore I wouldn't be concerned with my appearance... but finally even I tired of people calling me ugly. I traded in my glasses and barrettes for contacts. I grew out my hair, and bought black eye liner and nail polish. I straightened my hair instead of sleeping in that extra ten minutes. People say that I look good now. Is it worth it? I'm still the same insecure girl underneath it all. Just hide whatever flaws you have under a mask, but build up new ones.
I despise the girl I was a year ago. I hate who I am now. It doesn't make any sense. We're constantly changing, trying to improve, and it doesn't seem to do any good.
If I met my 16-year-old self, I might punch that girl out. I'd say, "Do you have any idea what you're doing? So what if you listen to punk rock? You think that makes you cool? Everyone else still thinks you're trash, so it doesn't do any good to pretend that you're not just some nerdy girl who seeks acceptance."
I'm just so angry with everything right now, and there's no real target or reason, except that nothing seems to be right in the world.
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