2005-04-15 - 2:17 p.m.
"I wanna make you know I can do everything but I don't ever show you how I really am. I wish I could say I have no regret. I wanted too much from you. I don't want to be this way. I kick myself. I wish I could say I have no regrets today." - Bouncing Souls, "Say Anything"
Feeling sick to your stomach means nothing but torturing yourself about things you don't have the ability to change. Hide behind shades of indifference. It was a bad day, no doubt. At the end of the day, you went out, in an attempt to escape, but all it did was compound everything. Could you stop crying? Weak. You feel awful most of the time. You're too sensitive. Idiot. Anti. Volatile. Temperamental. No wonder they hate you. Ill-tempered bitch. Only pretty when you smile.
Remember wanting nothing more than a savior. Two years ago, he told you that was crap, because you couldn't ever be so dependent on anyone, and he was right.
Stop feeling. Find solace in your noise pollution. There's no reason to pity them when you've become them. You contemplate jumping off a building every time you get less than expected. But then, it's validation. It's a measure of your worth when it really shouldn't be.
Try to understand that it's rarely about you. Frustration. Aggression. Down with every obsession. No rubberbands, and we're out, exposed. In the grand scheme of things, it's never going to matter. Remember thinking, knowing there was no way that you'd ever fit in or be "normal". You weren't going to be one of those pretty, outgoing girls. It wouldn't work. You couldn't possibly mold yourself to that. Couldn't conform to their standards no matter how much you wanted it. But you keep thinking, wouldn't it be better to be ignorant and happy?
You know what always makes me happy? Freaks and Geeks --> Spacefunk. Lady L. Bill and the butt-patter, the big stinky turd. "I'm like Pete Townsend - self-taught!"
I have a bone to pick. Screw the elitists. Screw the pretentious. Take it for what it is and don't overanalyze. Maybe if you could accept that not everything is going to be perfect, or new, or original, and that we're all out to steal intellectual property, then we'd be fine. Don't use big words all the time. It makes you look like an ass.
Spinning off of something in N-na's profile: Any guy who doesn't mind holding me when I'm feeling crappy is a guy I want to stay with.
"How can I live with myself? Hiding what they can't see. How am I so insecure to hide my personality? Decorate me, falsely. Escape from mediocrity... Why? Stand out with normality, not with how different you seem." - Fall Silent, "Unnecessary Decoration"
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