2005-02-20 - 10:09 p.m.
"I feel frustration sometimes when the words don't come out right. Footprints in the sand reveals to me a past scene of my life." - Left Front Tire, "Bring You Down"
Tonight's entry is inspired by my life, and by bands that usually make me shudder and crawl into a corner. Somehow, they're fitting.
It's horrible. Nothing like who I ever aspired to be. Two-bit hussy draped only in shame and guilt and sheer terror. For a girl who documents her life away in ten-cent notebooks almost every day, I've run out of words, of explanations.
Wouldn't it be lovely? "I like you." Choke. Hazard a glance. Turn red and run away. "I love you." Immediately there's blockage. There's a look on your face. It mirrors the one you express when someone sets a bowl of peas in front of you. Kill me. I can't do it. I can't even hint at it before the bile starts creeping up my throat. Rejection and pain. That's all I ever knew. Terrified as always. Should've forgotten, but you never forget your worst moments, the ones where you wished you didn't exist, or that you were suddenly a rock or some inanimate object without the means to feel anything, because you never wanted to feel anything, if it only meant that you'd get hurt again. Ugh. It's probably some mental condition. Kill me.
The eyes. Oh, the irony for once I take away the edge, tie my hair back - I'm just another one of the pod people, the sheep, the clones. Ugly with a fat face. Ugly with those eyes that aren't quite right. Ugly with unruly hair and incessant pudge. Here's the illusion. Take it away, and what is there that anyone could even remotely love? Scarred, marred body, coupled with an insane mind.
In other news, "Miserable" by Lefty should be our song. We do it a lot. We smile on the outside while we're lonely on the inside. And, y'know, sometimes we're miserable. And we cry an awful lot.
"So much for the 'I do's. Nothing ever takes you off my mind. Pictures put in cardboard boxes. Now it seems like you've just stopped the time. Changed my clock to make it tick backwards but the time is still slipping away." - Lefty, "Miserable"
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