2005-02-28 - 4:29 p.m.
"It feels like the 5th of July or the day after the Super Bowl. Everybody left and the weather's fucking cold. I'm feeling disappointed and a little pessimistic. My stereo broke while it was playing "ALL-O-GISTICS"." - Modern Machines, "Infinity Gauntlet"
There's this long overdue rant that's been repeating itself in my head for over a week, but I can't seem to express it. Here's the thing: don't backstab, don't lie to me, don't hide behind your mama's skirt when confronted. If you feel guilty, then you probably are. That is all.
So damn cute when you first wake up - clean, groggy, wide eyes, and a slightly open mouth. Pink plaid pj bottoms. Yawn. It's coffee time. You've had a bad night, and all you want is for everything to be normal again. You promised yourself you wouldn't cry, so you spent about half the night with your face buried in your pillow, mouth clenched up tight. No tears. Whispers. Murmurs. They made you sick. You passed out from exhaustion, and when you woke up, not even a trace of your fit remained.
Refreshed. Remember that it doesn't matter. You're trying to be strong. If you're not, everything will come apart. Prozac. Codeine. Mind-altering, pain-numbing. Please.
Sometimes I walk the neighborhood and find a dry spot on the sidewalk on which to sit. Legs tucked underneath my body. I stare at nothing, and wonder what I did wrong, and why you hate me so. Fall back on basic mythology. Cupid and Psyche. There is no love where there is no trust. Trust me? Trust you? If only I could hate you half as much as you hate me.
For anyone who ever said that I was too good for him, or you, or myself, thank you for a good laugh. Thank you. I'm finally over it... though, not like the band Over It. Miss Perfect, wouldn't you know? Oh, but I'm an (im)perfectionist. That girl. The one who wants to be perfect, but knows she can't, so she bombasts the perfects and creates her own standards to avoid disappointment. Every day you dress for a funeral.
The world is my punching bag. The opposite is true. Reciprocity. Give me a headache and swirl it around. Oi. Oy with the darn poodles already.
"I'll pick up the pieces, I'll carry on somehow, Tape the broken parts together, and limp this love around." - PJ Harvey, "The Darker Days of Me & Him"
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