2005-10-07 - 8:21 a.m.
"It seems like our whole life gets wasted watching others' lives. As we sit, watch, and obey, our aspirations fade to gray." - The Code, "Seal of Approval"
All this does is compound the pain, but you can't help it. Almost can't envision life like this again. You knew it'd be hard, but you stepped right into it anyway. Take a chance. Good girl. False hopes nearly always catch you off guard. And you're often an imbecile.
Maybe it's not right to be so jealous that you almost cry at the sight. Why should it even matter? You're completely fucked up in the head, desiring to be like them but knowing that you simply can't. It won't work that way. You're too damn different. Put up a shield because you're so hurt by the fact that you won't ever be one of the herd. No epiphanies - just the soft, aching desire to be ok for once. Maybe being different isn't so bad. It's simply lonely.
Your eyes couldn't deal. They blurred against the colors, the not so vibrant colors, the ebb of life flashing past. You didn't have to watch. You never have to watch anything that makes you sick but you do it anyway. It's a fucking car wreck, a double homicide waiting to happen. Little freeway accidents, sprinkles on the synapses of life. Dark room disasters. They all look the same.
You're always running from obsession to obsession in an attempt to find some permanence, some constant, some way to feel secure. You're Damaged like Black Flag, and screaming, "Them's Fightin' Words" like The Killing Tree. It's one big, perpetual yawn. A freak-fest of idiocy and inundation.
I'd love to write some lyrics right now, a deep, heartfelt song. The words don't come to me anymore. They died that night.
"I'm taking back every step towards you. Still failing at everything I do. In the meantime just talking to my shoes. converse with my Converse. At least they hear a word I say." - Fall Out Boy, "Parker Lewis Can't Lose (But I'm Going to Give It My Best Shot)"
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