2009-03-13 - 11:03 a.m.
Two and a half years later, I'm back.
Change for the better, change for the worse. Life doesn't stop because your best friend dies, or because you wanted to give everything you had to a liar who cheated and broke you and insulated himself by not committing. And you broke men, too. It wasn't at all like you thought you'd be. Not a slut, but maybe emotionally. Maybe. But good things happen, too - you moved up in the world, my dear. Swell jobs. On your way to obtaining something that you could stand for "juvenile delinquent." Oh, this drivel. It's good to be home.
Outlet for everything - pain, lies to yourself, stress, frustration. Gotta get it out. Need a release. Funny how you stopped writing when you needed it the most. But then, spring came, and you couldn't take it. The downward spiral started, you couldn't make it out, and then a letter bearing upon your future came. And you cried b/c you were so scared that you'd have to move on to yet another phase of life. And you brought him down, but pulled him right back up, and it felt good.
And then this started. School again. Library hibernation. And a crazy guy. Awkwardness and finally kissing in the train station, and smiling all the way home b/c you fell for him. But it's never easy. It's never going to be easy. Life complicates things and makes you live, not muddle. Gotta work for it if you want it to be good. Pain. Always trying to endure pain. 'cause every time it seems to be fine, everything turns against you.
It's all right, sugar. At least you've rid yourself of some of your vices in the past few years. You'll make it through this (although in what condition, you don't know). But it all comes down to that truth you found hidden in song: I'm alive, and really, what more could I ask for?
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