2012-02-01 - 7:05 p.m.
you always run back to the familiar. remember when you thought that you could delete everything, forget all about the dark times in your life? and now you're back. it's funny how this works. it's not as though you can't talk to your friends, but somehow, this works better. terse, remember? you didn't have to worry about being coherent or anyone understanding, as long as you could decipher this later.
when they saw, they understood - not everything, but they took the hints and ran with them. but maybe you're safe now. maybe it's safe to come back here to stash all the things that you don't want to carry with you.
it's a long, hard journey. according to that one song, life is journey. but what's death? because living means dying, doesn't it? it means being so conscious of death that you can fully appreciate being alive, but it often means fear - that fear that comes with not being sure of whether this is the life you're supposed to have. the problem is, you've chosen it, haven't you? so whatever you're doing is exactly what you wanted at the moment, right? even if someone else "made" you do it, you still had a choice. and for some reason, we so often choose life. because we're afraid of death? because life is a journey, but we don't know what death means? it's heaven? it's rotting in a box?
yeah, this feels different. a lot has happened. you're still insecure, though, but in different ways. you did some extraordinary things, kept racking up achievements the way you always do, thinking that maybe you'd be good enough. good enough for what? to be not worthless? some measure in money, some in degrees, some in prestige. in a way, you have all three. you have something that commands both respect and hatred/distrust. but it's still like you never got the memo that you're supposed to be awesome and responsible and confident. i'm not god-like. you aren't god-like. you can't pretend because you're not a thespian, however given to histrionics you are. couldn't you try just a little bit harder?
there were all those people who told you that you had to change who you were to be a good fit. look where it's gotten you. you almost lost yourself. even now, it's spotty. some would argue that you're better for this, and you could fool yourself, thinking that you were happier before this transformation. at your core, you're still the same. maybe 2006-2009 was when you were content. after 2009, everything went down. everything. you lost so much and tried to gain it all back. the problem is, you can't get the things you lost. it's never the same. the feelings aren't the same. the people aren't the same. everything changes. you end up accumulating all this new stuff that was never really what you wanted anyway. so what can you do? try to move on? heal yourself with drinks and junk food and tears? keep on trying? all you know is that you're wired for life, that you're gonna have to be alive, even if you aren't exactly living.
and for old times' sake, here it is:
"I was a teenage anarchist, but the politics were too convenient / In the depths of their humanity all I saw was bloodless ideology / And with freedom as the doctrine, guess who was the new authority? / I was a teenage anarchist, but the politics were too convenient." - Against Me! "I Was a Teenage Anarchist"
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